Saying Goodbye: The End of My Calvin Journey
Hey there everyone. Long time, no see. I’ve been trying to write this particular piece for the last four months, but I could never seem to get it just right. I graduated in May, and I’ve spent a lot of time looking back on my Calvin experiences to try and make sense of them.
(Trigger Warning: homophobia, transphobia, mental health, self-harm)
I had a difficult time at Calvin. There were many wonderful friends I made and had wonderful experiences. I found a community of people who accepted me with open arms. But the more time I spent, and the more deeply involved I got in campus activism, the more I realized the pervasiveness of homophobia and transphobia in campus culture and institutional policy. There were so many days when I got back to my dorm room and cried, or screamed into my pillow, or just sat on my bed as emotions washed over me.
The loneliness of being LGBTQ+ at Calvin is agonizing. There are many of us on campus, but not everyone is comfortable expressing themselves, so there are inevitably times where it feels like you are the only queer person in the world. It happens late at night, or in the dining halls, or in class when the professor makes a vaguely homophobic remark.
The stress of being LGBTQ+ at Calvin is even more agonizing. Homophobia and transphobia are everywhere, and you are not always in a situation where you can confront it. Small “micro-aggressions” compound on each other, and after enough time they start to erode your resolve. Outright discrimination can ruin your day, or week, or month, or even more.
It is difficult to address these issues in any meaningful way. Campus culture is difficult to change, particularly since Calvin’s policies around discussions and ties to the CRC severely restrict what can be done. The few policies meant to support LGBTQ+ students have to be hidden away so as not to draw the ire of “concerned” parents and donors. Even the most well-meaning of administrators have been known to ignore or excuse away the concerns LGBTQ+ students bring to them.
The CRC’s continued delaying of their decision on LGBTQ+ inclusion in the church has kept Calvin in limbo. It has also provided an excuse for putting a pause on progress. We were “waiting for Synod” when I started attending, and I expect we will continue to “wait for Synod” for quite a while.
All of this creates stress and anxiety not felt by our straight and cisgender peers. Our identities are under constant scrutiny. In the past, I have been somewhat coy about whether I think LGBTQ+ students should attend Calvin. In part, this was because I wanted to find a way to reassure myself that I made the right decision. But with the benefit of hindsight, I can definitively say that attending Calvin had a negative impact on nearly every aspect of my life. My mental (and by extension physical) health, my sense of self-worth, my sense of purpose and identity, and even my faith have deteriorated in my time attending Calvin.
There were good times, and places where I felt I belonged. SAGA, Without Shame, and SGC gave me respite from the rest of campus. I made many incredible friends, all of whom I value and respect deeply. I took classes which helped me grow in my understanding of the world. But that does not erase the pain in my heart or the scars on my arm. Every time I started to feel like Calvin could be a second home for me I would overhear something homophobic, or read a slur on the coffee kitchen door, or stumble across a beloved professor’s transphobic tweets, and be reminded that no matter what I do, I will never truly belong at Calvin.
If Calvin wants to be a place where LGBTQ+ students can belong, it has a long way to go. At the same time, I want to encourage everyone who is pushing for change. My Calvin story is a story of failure and regret, but that does not have to be true for all students like me. The work you do in advocating for and supporting students is valuable. It saves lives.
If you are wondering why I am writing this today, it is because I have been watching through the All One Body videos responding to the CRC’s report on human sexuality. If you are a part of the CRC or the Calvin community, I highly encourage you to watch them. Seeing a group of qualified, passionate people devote their time to explaining the harm of this document gives me hope for the future.
I am also writing today because I am embarking on a new journey of self-discovery, and I want to close the Calvin chapter of my life. This account was one of the last dangling threads (if you don’t count student loans, that is). I don’t know if I will ever revisit this account again. I want to move past the pain Calvin has caused me, but I also want to acknowledge that pain because I imagine there are many students who feel similar to me. I also want to remember the good times, the friendships, and the things I learned. It wasn’t all bad, even if my net experience was negative.
To LGBTQ+ students attending Calvin: you are not alone! You are loved! There are resources available to you, and I highly recommend you check them out. They are the only reasons I made it through my time here.
And with that, I bid you all farewell.
Sincerely,
Gay Calvin Knight
